God’s [icky] Creatures

I love all God’s creatures in the respectful way that we are supposed to love all God’s creatures. But there are a few that I don’t necessarily like.

Such as this little… Well, big fellow clinging to his beautiful web art he created on my truck mirror.

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He looks small. But in proportion to the giant trailer side mirrors, you’ll see he’s actually quite large.

I cringe when I even think about a spider, much less cross paths with one. My skin gets that there’s-something-crawling-all-over-me feeling and I get chills, nausea, cold sweats, homocidal thoughts toward all arachnids on the planet. It takes all my strength just to keep myself from running away like my hair is on fire, much less kick off my shoe and kill it.

So I decided to leave the unsuspecting guy in his homey little web as I climbed into the truck. With a thick pane of glass separating me and the eight-legged mutant, I leaned toward him and sneered.

“Get ready for the ride of your life,” I said and sped away.

And by “sped away”, I mean “crept down our street safely under the speed limit”. Naturally.

He hung on for dear life as the wind whipped him around. He gripped tight to that one thread and spun like a pinwheel. And when he disappeared from view, I burst into the Hallelujah chorus.

However, when I arrived at my destination, I found him lurking, like a creepy little creep, on my door handle. I swear I heard him squeaking with evil laughter.

A kind lady in the parking lot walked by and said, ” Oh, look. You have a spider on your door.” She promptly removed her flip-flop and smashed him. “There,” she said with smug satisfaction, and walked away.

This is a public service announcement to all spiders: Don’t mess with me, or you shall meet your demise.

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